Going belly up

I've had a bit of a fall-out with Mavis. I know it's bizarre, considering that we've never met, but the intensity of our communications was going to end in tears sooner or later.

Mavis kept mentioning the fact that her body isn't as good as it used to be and that she has a bit of a belly on her. This didn't particularly bother me. After all, a 35-year-old Scot probably weaned on Irn Bru and deep-fried Mars Bars is unlikely to have a washboard stomach.

But when she mentioned it for a fourth time, I started getting a bit fed-up. I didn't contact her for a few hours (which is an age in our 'relationship'), so Mavis asked me what was wrong. I emailed her, explaining that nobody's perfect (particularly on Dating Direct) and that I'll take her as I find her.

A few hours later, I received a reply. It was quite a rant, telling me off for lecturing her. She said that she was just preparing me, as she had been on 12 dates with blokes she had met on the site, and that within a few minutes of meeting, every one had commented that she didn't look like her photos. I doubted the veracity of this, as I wouldn't consider saying such a thing on a first date. But if it was true, I could see their point: Mavis looks lovely in the main picture on her profile, but the other photos of her bear very little resemblance.

I was disappointed by the ferocity of her email and, I suppose, what it said about her perception of me. I've probably spent 20 hours texting, instant messaging and emailing Mavis over the past 12 days. We're obviously getting on very well and I've told her that she ticks all of the boxes. So to think that I'm going to be put off by a flabby stomach (and it can't be worse than one of my ex's, who used to sit with her arms across her 'mummy tummy' because she was so conscious of it) is insulting.

In a fit of pique, I decided to justify the last week of my membership and email some other women. First up was Lynsey, from Bury St Edmunds. She was exactly the sort of woman I am looking for, but I've never emailed her in the past because of where she lives. In her (not particularly interesting) profile, she went on about how she was prepared to share hair products (she's got very short hair), how she liked country walks and arts and culture, and how she travelled around East Anglia writing about historical places. I began my email: 'Thought I'd drop you a line because I can't believe the price of L'Oréal Fibre Paste these days and am desperately looking for someone to share the cost.' I went on to highlight how much we had in common by saying that I'm a journalist who works for Museums Journal, and that I'm going walking in the Peak District this weekend.

My second email was to Daisychain, an attractive (short-haired, of course) Kiwi girl living in Richmond. Her profile was rambling and provided me with little to get my teeth into. The only line I could really pick up on (without resorting to: 'So you like going out? So do I. You like good food? Me too. You enjoy music? What a coincidence, I do too') was when she said that she like a range of books, including biographies of 'anyone who has done anything amazing/inspirational - and that doesn't include Jordan.' My email drew parallels between our interests, and concluded: 'I agree with you about Jordan’s book. I don’t know how anyone could prefer it to Kerry Katona’s - now she’s an inspiration.'

My final email was to Explorergirl, who lived in Southampton. Her profile was non-descript, but revealed that she was a journalist with a passion for travel. As a journalist who has been to nearly 60 countries, that surely gives us a good starting point. My email was chatty but, hard as it is to believe, sarcasm free. I also pointed out that I've got no ties to Essex (my profile states this as well).

Before I reveal the outcome (as if it's even in doubt), I should reiterate that, as usual, I fulfilled all three women's basic criteria (age, height, education, ethnicity etc). Although none of them were new members, they hadn't received an awful lot of winks or views. Lynsey, probably because of her Suffolk location, had received only 100 winks, which is ridiculously low for a woman (Mavis is approaching 200 and has been on the site only a fortnight). As men are far more likely to wink than email, I would confidently assert that she has had fewer than 10 emails, most of which will have been from nutters (Mavis was telling me that random blokes send her pictures of their dicks).

So, drum roll...... All three women read their emails within six hours of me sending them. Explorergirl and Daisychain at least had the courtesy to look at my profile. But none of them considered me worthy of a reply.

Mavis is still keen to pursue things and has sent me a couple of emails since her rant. I will meet her, even though I have recently found out she is a smoker, which is a huge turn-off. And that she's an only child (I'm looking for some surrogate bothers and sisters). And that she lives out in the Essex sticks (and I'm looking for someone to explore London with). But I'm angry that I don't get a choice in who I go out with. I have to meet the only women that will reply to my emails. And I deserve better than that.