Gay times

I walked slowly to the door. Everything that could be crossed was. I turned the handle and entered the room. 'Is this the Intrepid group?' 'It's one of them,' a man who looked like one of the Chuckle Brothers replied.

My eyes flitted around the faces. There were more men than women. What was going on? There are ALWAYS more women than men on organised tours because they enjoy the security that such a mode of travel confers. I did a quick count up. There were seven men and five women, although the group leader was also female.

Two of the women were clearly with their partners. So that left three. And what a three they were. Early twenties, shocking North American dress sense and a look of panic on their faces that suggested that it might be a close call with me as to who was going to burst into tears first. I won, so I excused myself from the room, feigning a nose bleed, and went for a drink.

Over the next two weeks, it transpired that the three girls were Canadian bible bashers on their first trip overseas. They were pleasant enough, but had nothing to say for themselves. Given the choice of an evening in their company or a night clipping my toenails, the latter option would have won every time.

So that left the 25-year-old Chinese tour leader. She was attractive and had a bubbly personality. But like so many Chinese women, she was young for her age, as exemplified by her Hello Kitty handbag. Not that immaturity was a deal-breaker. But when I saw her tucking into chickens' feet, and realised that she carried a vacuum-packed duck's neck in her rucksack, I lost all interest.

It was just my luck. The make-up of the group meant that I had a single room for the Hong Kong to Shanghai leg. And apart from the two couples and three Canadians, the other four were gay men. So I didn't even have any competition. But there are so few westerners travelling in China that you don't meet anybody outside the group.

Over the course of the two weeks, I became the butt of all jokes, thanks to my unsuccessful quest for love. It was just as well there were no suitable women in the group because I was one minute being portrayed as 'desperate' and the next on the point of 'going over to the dark side'. I like to think that both opinions were well wide of the mark. But one of them probably wasn't.