Is there anybody there?

For the past six years, I’ve revelled in my disastrous love life, regaling people with tales of dodgy dates and weird emails from online dating sites. But I’m starting to think that unless I lower my standards significantly, I'm going to spend the rest of my days alone.

In a moment of weakness, I texted Sarah (see 9/12/08 & 12/12/08). I was passing though Bristol station on the way back from Cornwall and it just seemed the obvious thing to do. She ignored me. A couple of weeks later, I went to a leaving do for an ex-colleague. As someone who doesn't have the confidence to approach someone 'cold', such a night (and they're few and far between, these days) is the best opportunity of meeting a woman. But despite there being several nice women in the room, I spent all night talking to people whom I already knew.

There was no option but to head back online. I managed to secure a free three-day trial on Match and a week for £1 on Dating Direct (I'm not coughing up full price to get countless rejections). I'd had a wink from Tinkerbell, a woman in south London the previous week, so I dropped her an email. She was a 29-year-old teacher, Scottish (one of my favourite accents) and my type physically (petite with short hair). We exchanged several emails over the course of 48 hours. It was going OK, although the quality of her spelling and grammar were frightening (if I ever have children, I wouldn't want her teaching them). Then she asked me what I did. I thought it was time to up the stakes a little, to see whether she had a sense of humour. So I told her that I'd had trained as a shepherd, but was thinking of joining the Swiss Navy (think about it). I never heard back.

In the meantime, I trawled both sites looking for suitable 'victims'. The number of profiles that interested me either superficially or intellectually (I mean by their words, rather than their picture) was tiny, but I eventually found a half-a-dozen women worthy of emailing.

1) Girlfriday: a 33-year-old woman from south-west London, on Match, who worked in the 'gaming industry' and loved having a bet on the horses and footie. I didn't really fancy her, but she said she was also looking for new friends. Me too, particularly ones I can bore with my betting stories, so I sent her a message. It was nothing special, but made it obvious that we had lots in common.

2) Bexterboogiddy: a 37-year-old woman, on Match, from Tunbridge Wells, who was a passionate traveller. Her profile featured the following line: 'Would like to find someone willing to go coast to coast with me in the USA in a shapley (sic) 50's convertible cadillac listening to Elvis in Memphis and The Beach Boys in California!' So in my email, I wrote: 'If I agree to join you on your road trip across the US (it's one I've done before - but non-stop on a Greyhound bus), would we have to sit in silence between Memphis and California? Hmmm? Think you need to Google "famous musicians from Arkansas/Texas/New Mexico and Arizona" and get back to me. Alternatively, we could discuss our mutual love of adventure travel (I've skydived, white-water rafted, bungeed, cage dived, quad biked etc), nephews and sport (I'm doing a triathlon and marathon this year, and hike and climb regularly).' In my opinion, that's an original and eye-catching message - a little cheeky, but at least it was tailored to her profile.

3) Pinkthings: a 29-year-old from Kent, on Match. Her profile was succinct, but she was clearly quite witty - and she had short hair. My message wasn't one of my best, but still had a couple of funny lines in it.

4) Suzy: a 32-year-old woman from Swiss Cottage, on Dating Direct. Her profile was quite standard, but was well written and said her two main passions were travelling and keeping in shape. She signed off: 'Overall though, I do believe that chemistry is the most important thing so please get in touch and let's see if we spark!' My email was nothing amazing, but certainly merited a reply, ' to see if we spark'.

5) Littlemiss: a 32-year-old from Kensington on Dating Direct. Probably the most attractive woman I contacted, she had another well-written profile. Whether she was knew to the site, I don't know, but she'd had very few winks or views of her profile. I would imagine that I was one of the first (if not the first) to send her a serious email. My message was complimentary (her punctuation was faultless), with one funny line in it.

6) Becs: a 38-year-old woman from Surrey on Dating Direct. Her profile was exceptionally average and she hadn't answered most of the questions. But she said she was up for some banter and that: 'I’d love to hear from you if you’re sport orientated, and you’re an intelligent, honest and sociable guy.' So I sent her a message saying: 'I reckon I fulfil all your criteria: I play darts every Christmas, I got two answers on The Sun crossword the other day, I was the 27th man on the moon and I’m social secretary for my local trainspotters’ club. And I’m prepared to take you to the cleaners (metaphorically - I don’t think a launderette is a good venue for a first date) on the banter front.'

It was then a question of sitting back and waiting. So I waited. And I waited. And two weeks later, I'm still waiting. On Match, you can't tell whether someone has read your email or viewed your profile. But Bexterboogiddy, Girlfriday and Pinkthings have all been regularly on the site in the past fortnight. Of the three on Dating Direct, all read my email - but only Suzy and Becs looked at my profile. And Tinkerbell obviously didn't like my sarcasm (although how does she know that I'm not a shepherd?).

I can't remember the exact figures offhand, but of about 18 women whom I've emailed over the past year, only Tinkerbell replied (and she'd winked at me first). It's not as though I'm contacting women that are out of my league or whose criteria I don't fulfil (they're looking for someone younger or taller). The reason has got to be my pictures - and however much profiles drone on about chemistry, we are all judged on our looks, initially. So I can't even get to the chemistry stage cos I've had a few hefty clouts with the ugly stick.

And it really frustrates me that nobody has the courtesy to reply, to at least give me some feedback. I received a sweet email from a 20-year-old (with no picture) on Dating Direct, who had cleary read my profile carefully. I sent her a nice email back thanking her for bothering, but I was twice her age. She emailed me back thanking me.

What little confidence I had has now gone. Can't pull in real life, can't even get a reply to my emails online. Life was far easier when I was content with West Ham being the love of my life. I give up.