Past my sell-by date

I have officially gone into retirement. I have signed off of all dating websites, terminated my gym membership (there’s no need to keep in shape now; I can reclaim my place in Greggs’ hot-pastries queue) and have enquired about buying a litter of cats (if it’s good enough for spinsters, it’s good enough for a confirmed bachelor).

As I feared, my evening out with someone I am very fond of a couple of weeks ago was not a date. The evening flew by, as it did the last time I saw her. But the chemistry that I feel is there obviously doesn’t exist from her point of view.

I must admit that I stormed off at the end of the night, like a stroppy child who hadn’t got his way. I think what upset me most was that she admitted (rather coyly) that she had been reading my blog (and I don’t suppose she meant the ones about West Ham or my other life as a ‘professional’ gambler), which had alluded to our night out. So she knew I still had feelings for her.

Unless someone has got a single friend (in her early-30s, about 5ft 4ins, with short hair and a degree in banter) they can put me in touch with, this might be the last you hear from me for a while. Actually, I think I’m being a little fussy. As long as she’s female and has a pulse, I’m interested – and even the latter isn’t a pre-requisite.

Talking to myself

I hating dating websites. Not that I'd have much of a love life without them. But I still despise them. Internet dating should be my forte. My writing is my trump card. He may not look like an Adonis in his thumbnail profile picture, but his emails are entertaining, so let's give him a go. Alas, it doesn't seem to work like that.

My subscription to Dating Direct runs out tomorrow. So having had an e-conversation with only one woman during my month on the site, I decided to try to get my money's worth. So I emailed four women last night. They all live in London and I was what they were looking for in terms of age, education, background (even height, which is usually the deal-breaker). Two of the four emails were pretty good, because their profiles provided things to pick up on (one said she was looking for a literate explorer' - as a journalist who has been to nearly 50 countries, I think I fit the bill). The other two profiles were pretty bland, and so, consequently, were my emails.

Twenty hours later, three of the women have read my emails. Not one of them has deemed my profile worthy of a visit. They've just seen my message and my profile picture - and decided they are not interested. So with the woman last week (again she didn't check out my profile), that's a 100% failure rate.

I find rejection far harder online. If you meet someone in a bar, you don't know anything about them when they turn you down. They might have a boyfriend. They might be famous or a multi-millionaire and uninterested in 'nobodies'. But online, you know that they are single and what sort of bloke they are seeking. So when you fulfil all of their criteria, it is really infuriating that not only do they not have the courtesy to reply, but they can't even be bothered to click on to your profile and give you the once over.

In the meantime, I received an email from a woman in Essex. I wasn't too optimistic when I saw that the subject line was 'hello'. Can't you think of anything more original? That's what all the women from Russia looking for a British passport put. When I read the first line of the email, I was heading for the bathroom to look for the razor blades: 'I no (sic) Epping Forest like the back of my hand.' Know you don't!! But by the time I had calmed down, I started seeing things in a different light. She may not be particularly literate, and I certainly wasn't attracted towards her, but at least she had clearly read my profile. So I emailed her back and told her that in my 18 months on the site, she was only the second woman who had bothered to read my profile before emailing me (she's probably only the 10th woman in the UK to have emailed rather than winked). I thanked her for her message, but told her we were incompatible. An hour later, she emailed me back and thanked me for bothering to reply. At last, a woman with manners. I almost had a rethink and asked her out. But then I remembered that she was a dog lover.

So that's it. If the last woman who I emailed doesn't reply in the next hour, I've no more irons in the online fire. Still, I've got that 'is-it-a-date-or-just-two-friends-going-out-for-dinner-although-we've-met-
only-once-but-banter-continually-by-text-and-on-Facebook' evening tomorrow night. Watch this space.

A site for sore eyes

I'm going out with the woman I met in February (and who knocked me back) next week. I don't know whether it's a date or not. She appears quite keen. In fact, she has been doing the chasing. I'm going to approach it with an open mind (and wallet).

In the meantime, I have lost touch with Northampton Sarah. I could probably resurrect things if I want, but I'm not sure that I do. So I have been back trawling through the profiles on Dating Direct.

It appears as if there is a template to follow. 'I'm a fun-loving/bubbly/
vivacious [delete as applicable] girl who loves nothing better than a night out with friends at a bar/pub/cinema/ theatre/nightclub [delete as applicable], but also likes a good night on the sofa with a bottle of red/white/rose [delete as applicable] wine and a good DVD/video
[delete as applicable].'

Originality is conspicuous by its absence. But after much searching, I came
across this one.

'I love the outdoors [me too] . . . looking into buying a camper van and have visions holidaying in Spain and France with absolutely no aptitude for the language [I've just returned from a month in Costa Rica and Panama where I ordered food in restaurants by pointing at other diners' plates] . . . sense of humour is massively important - I love funny guys, someone with bite [I've got more bite than Battersea Dogs Home] . . . you wouldn't be after a trophy girlfriend - I scrub up pretty good, but if you are looking for someone who doesn't really say much for herself and is perfectly hairsprayed, then that's not really me [I may be from Essex, but I'm not looking for an Essex Girl] . . . I generally go for someone who is essentially kind but not a pushover [I regularly give up my seat on the Tube to elderly or pregnant woman - but ask for it back after a couple of stops] . . . We're not really losing anything by getting in contact and if that sounds a bit like you and the way you live, then I'd love to hear from you [my philosophy entirely ].'

It's hardly a work of literary genius (and was littered with solecisms). But the fact that she had short hair and that her vital stats weren't particularly impressive for a London-based woman (337 views and 165 winks) compelled me to email her. It was a carefully crafted email that picked up on comments in her profile, with a cheeky edge. It was a fine piece of work (even if I do say so myself).

Yet she read the email, checked out my profile - and did nothing.

In my experience of internet dating, most blokes don't get to choose who they have email conversations with or meet. I've probably had replies from two of the 30 women I have emailed over the past three years. And I'm hardly setting my sights on the most attractive women, who have had 10,000 views and 5,000 winks. Rather, I have to sift through the emails from Russia and the winks from fortysomething women with no picture and three children. They'd reply to me - if I was in the slightest bit interested.

Now where's my road map of Northamptonshire?