Food for thought

It must be obvious from my absence that I have nothing to report. Despite the encouragement of my friends – a fifth of my Christmas cards featured messages such as “hope you have some fun under the mistletoe”, “hope you get some good nookie” and “hope you get a dose of the clap” – I had a Christmas that was as devoid of action as an episode of Emmerdale.

As I have knocked the internet dating on the head for the time being, my only chance of some festive fun was via the “real world”. And although I had plenty of nights out, the fact that I was hanging around with blokes who are coupled up (with whom I end up in backstreet pubs, where we can “get a seat and a cheap pint”) or a close female friend (as I did on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve) did not give me a lot of chance of getting lucky.

My big opportunity was the Christmas lunch for one of the magazines on which I work. There were about 30 people there, only about half of whom I know. Incredibly, I was the only single man in the group, while there were about eight single women. Good odds, in anyone’s eyes. But I didn't get a good seat at the table (they were all sat together at the other end – the safety in numbers approach), then several of them left straight after the meal.

Downstairs in the pub, my heart wasn’t in it. Not a single one of the women had given me a second look (it wasn’t as bad as the previous year, when one of them had virtually turned her back on me when I had try to speak to her) – so I ended up pouring out my heart to my editor (if I’m not bemoaning my love life online, I’m doing it verbally). She found it all fascinating and came to the conclusion that I am “too fussy”. It is an accusation that has been levelled at me by many people, although it’s one I strongly refute. I do know exactly what I am looking for in a woman – in theory. But I’ve never been out with anyone that fulfils more than a couple of my criteria. And I certainly didn’t feel fussy, as I sat at that table, thinking that I would have been keen to get any of the single women under the mistletoe.

My best mate’s missus says that men and women have a very different view of “pulling”. She says that for women, it is often a group activity. If their friends have got their eye on someone, they may join in, so as not to be left out. Conversely, if there are no blokes available (or only one, in this case), they all forget about meeting anyone and just decided to have a good time with each other, as they don't want to be the only one on the pull.

I’m keen to subscribe to that theory. Otherwise, half-a-dozen single women at a Christmas party (and Christmas is one of the two loneliest times of the year), after eight hours of drinking, still weren’t interested in me.

Happy new year.