It must be hard being dumped on Facebook. I’ve just discovered via the website that my ex-girlfriend has got a new bloke – and I’ve found that upsetting enough. Particularly as all her friends are far more excited than when we got together.
It’s a combination of her finding someone new, while I can’t even elicit a smile from a woman, and the fact that I was beginning to think that I had made a mistake splitting up with her.
It’s a long story. But in brief, we met on holiday 15 months ago in Africa. We stayed in touch and became close friends. As has happened countless times over the years, I wanted more from the relationship. But for the first time ever, the subject of my feelings gave in (food certainly is the way to a woman's heart), and we started going out together in March.
She ticked so few of the boxes on every level that were important to me, but she was just so lovely. And she was certainly the most attractive woman ever to have looked at me. But as time went on, not were only the big “issues” still omnipresent, but a couple of new ones came to light. And for that reason, I couldn’t put as much into the relationship as she deserved.
We kissed goodbye one Friday night in early June after a night out in the West End. And although we are still in contact by text and email, we haven’t spoken since. She went on holiday the next day, and when she came home, we split up by email.
I wasn’t that bothered at the time. I had a lot on my plate (I was preparing to be best man at a wedding and was planning a month-long trip to Central America) and being single was less stressful. But as time goes by, I am struggling with the fact that we have never spoken about what happened or heard her view of what I did wrong.
One of my closest female friends says that I’ve just been “unlucky” with women, while a close male friend insists that I am too fussy. I maintain that I am not too choosy, but the fact that a close friend has recently given up his long-held singledom to settle down with someone who, although I’m sure he loves, is not “ideal”, because he doesn’t think he is going to get any other offers, has made me think that I should have put more into my last relationship. Should I have compromised what I am looking for? After all, I’m not getting any younger, as my mum keeps reminding me.
I’ve got only four single male friends – and it’s hard to imagine three of them ever being anything but single. Is that how people see me? I don’t want to be part of that gang. Two of them are in their mid-40s and still live with their parents. They’re lovely lads, but as far as I’m concerned, they would probably fail to trouble the scorer when it comes to a list of criteria that I imagine most women are seeking in a partner.
I, on the other hand, and forgive me if this sounds arrogant, think that I fulfil most requirements (or requirements as I perceive them). I may have a face that only a mother can love, be a couple of inches shorter than I’d like to be (I got the inches elsewhere) and can be pessimistic and a little sarcastic. But I’m a decent chap (I give up my seat on the Tube for pregnant women), well educated (from 13 O Levels to the best journalism course in the country), successful (I have virtually paid off the mortgage on my flat), healthy (I know all the trainers in the gym by name, haven’t had a day off since I left school and can make a pint of Guinness last all night) and respectable (I never eat food off my knife – at least not when anyone is looking). I’m also regularly told that I’m thoughtful, a great listener and very funny.
Yet I’ve had only three short-term relationships in 20 years – and only the one this year was someone who could be regarded as a catch. I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my life. But my last two experiences of relationships make me unsure that I want to settle down. I’m hoping that they just weren’t the right people. I really don’t know. And that’s half the problem. If I don't know what I want, how can I hope to find it?
All good things come to an end
15 years ago
